bummed.

so i sorta kinda fought with my boyfriend and i feel awful. i think i might have screwed things up. why do i push people away?

my lip hurts. freaking cold sore.

my brother is engaged. it's official: both my younger siblings will be married before me. i have entered official loserdom.

i feel fat and gross.

i DID enjoy last night. so why did i screw it all up?

How do I get in these situations???

It's way late and I need to be asleep, so I'll be brief. Today involved a date. That date involved hand-holding, cheek-kissing (this is a second date, I might add), and a gun. And by gun, I am not using an euphemism, I mean a Smith and Wesson. In my car. Loaded.

I am a good girl. I am. Like more goody-two-shoes than most women in this country, period. So how in HECK do I end up with a guy and a gun IN MY CAR???

I like hand-holding and kissing. I have missed kissing. I am worried I'll stick with this guy for the wrong reasons.

Argh. Too much thinking.

Curves. I Has Them.

These ladies are smokin' hot. They are beautiful, they are normal. And I look like them. And you probably do, too, if you're a woman. I am so freaking tired of being told (or telling myself) that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. Screw that! I am not fat. I was, but I'm not now. I'm also not the thinnest I've ever been now. I'm somewhere inbetween. And that's okay. I would like to lose some weight, but if I never do, I still am pretty. I still am sexy. And I still want people to stay the crap out of my business and not try to tell me I'm awful. As much as I assert myself here, I do still struggle with body image issues. So this post is a reminder to myself as much as to anyone else to love yourself today. Look beautiful, but look like you. And quit letting the powers that be (who ARE they, anyway??) tell you you're not okay.

Meltdown

Well, I would like to share that I had another of my special rage-filled, cussing, crying my eyes out meltdowns again last night/early this morning. Yep, I totally melted down in nuclear capacity. It was epic. I used to do these things all the time; I think they come mostly from feeling like I am running up (and panicking because I am running up) against The Wall. I used to feel a lot more like this...going on meds and therapy helped as well as getting a little more going for me in life. I went for years w/o a full-on meltdown and even during my Year of Hell (2009) didn't do too much melting down...there was no time or space for that when you are simply trying to survive. But now I've done this twice in as many months and I think it's because I'm flirting with some deep-seated fears. I'm afraid I'm being left alone, left behind and stuck with an epic black hole. This house is just way, way too much for me to deal with, and having some kind of other-imposed freaking time limit just sent me over the edge. I mean Over The Edge. I had to take my car in at 8 this morning (another thrill) so I haven't slept much. I'm going back to bed (ten bucks says as soon as I lay down the dealership will call)and hoping to recover.

Limbo

I am currently in dating limbo. That is, I am not in a relationship, yet I have prospects, one of which is pursuing me rather intentionally. Dating Limbo is scary. I was burned pretty good by my last long-term relationship, but I don't want to be, and don't think I totally am, a person who lets the past control her future. However, I am skittish about dating. Ex-boyfriend confused me (actually, he's still confused himself, but that is another post entirely). I was wonderful and "perfect" (yes, he called me perfect. That should have been a sign) until I started becoming real. When I got sad, needy, less-than-sure of myself, etc, I was suddenly no longer perfect and wonderful, and then he didn't love me anymore. This includes the time when my mother was in the hospital dying for a 4 month period. Yeah, Zorro, I'm gonna be a little screwed up during that time. Hey, thanks for being there for me. Yeah, telling me I need to get my crap together and that I'm selfish for wanting my mom to live was a big help there. Thanks a lot. /sarcasm
Anyhoo, I was ultra-vulnerable with him and was not accepted as such. So it makes me afraid to try it all again. But yet, I want, and think there could be, such a person who sees the warts and all and still loves me. Surely, it's possible. God certainly can make someone like that.
I'm also afraid of losing my time. I'm the type of person who needs a lot of me-time to recharge. That doesn't mean selfish time, necessarily, but I need to be by myself and chill pretty regularly. I'm afraid full-on dating will rob me of this.
And look, I'm 30, and I really still don't know what I'm doing, dating-wise. For all the dates I've been on, it doesn't really get all that easier. It's still scary as heck. Like, what if me and this guy go out and don't click...how to extricate myself? What if I DO like him? What does that MEAN??!?! I am always about sixteen steps ahead of the current situation, planning my little master plans, figuring things out so I won't be surprised when I get there. Maybe that's not how to live.

So tomorrow I guess I call Potential New Boyfriend (PNB). And then see what happens. Or maybe I'll text him. Texting is safer!! LOL

Ever So Random Things I Would Do If....

Today,if I could eat anything I wanted it would be...cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory

If I could buy anything I wanted, it would be...the herringbone fake-tweed pencil skirt from Target.

If I could talk to anyone I wanted, it would be...my mom.

If I could do anything I wanted, it would be...stay up later tonight.

Okay, ta ta for now!

Hey, guess what? I'm still single. And that's okay. I don't really believe that, but I'm saying it anyway. Maybe somehow it will make it true.

I.
Hate.
Being.
Alone.

Actually, I like being alone (for periods), but I am scared to death of living long periods of life alone. I just need my time to recharge and regroup and that's what I'm afraid of giving up if I'm in a relationship. So I run from every chance I get. Freaking A.