It will be alright.

I don't know how. It seems impossible, or at least very difficult. My tendency is to work as hard as I can to make it happen. But how can I create a masterpiece out of this messy lump of clay? I have overexaggerated my artistic abilities to myself to think I could even make an ashtray out of this chaos. I couldn't find a Mr. in this mess, nor a job, nor an apartment. I haven't found any yet, have I? But now I have to trust that You will find these very important things out of the disaster area that I've previously called my life. Or if not to find within, then to add from without. These are my paste pearls, Lord. These are the contraptions and trinkets that I have held to my heart as dear as any diamond necklace and now You want me to give them to You and I'm having trouble. You will give back something so much more real and beautiful and in my head I know that but I'm afraid you'll give back sapphires when I wanted rubies or palladium when I wanted platinum. That wasn't the outcome of the parable-like story, true, but I'm afraid you'll do that to me. See, I don't trust you fully yet. ARGH.

I just know that you have chosen to do some things I wouldn't have done, like take my mother, and while I know you have a plan for all that, I am afraid that you'll take my very deep desires...about all I have left, and give me something that *might* really be better but wouldn't be what I wanted and I'll be disappointed. Like you might be okay with giving me something second rate and calling it better for me. That would make you a liar, though, and I know that's not true. So now where are we? I don't really want an alternative, Lord. I don't want some friend or pet when what I really wanted was husband and kids. Don't get me wrong, I want friends and pets but in addition, not in substitute. And I don't want them when I'm too old to enjoy or appreciate them, either. I want this stuff now! Or at *least* to know they're coming and when b/c I'm so afraid I'm going to be overlooked. Would you overlook me? Would you give me second or third best? Will I marry some guy I don't really like just because that was all that was left for you to give me? See, no real trust? So how do I get this real trust? Seriously.